Gerard Piqué, the Marquis of Andorra

The sun is high above the sea and the sky is an intense blue. There are no clouds floating over Barcelona. A new day sees the light and Don Gerard Pique Bernabéu He scans the horizon, looking for another one of his thoughts. The young gentleman from Azulgrana has now stopped playing the role of footballer, Barça's defense minister, champion in everything. Entrepreneur, master, but I don't know what arrogance surrounds him. The confident look, two blue eyes, but cold. Marquis of Catalonia and Andorra, and since the title is not for sale, it is better to throw yourself into the local team.

Forgive us, Gerard, but we feel that your ideas, while successful, are valid Taking away soul and core to our beloved ball. Exaggerations? Perhaps. Or maybe not.

That's how we like to imagine it. Fully dressed, a 21st century Iberian Alberto Sordi surrounded by a wunderkind of waiters, valets and, most of all, valets. The deadly boredom of having to chase his ex-wife's popularity between hateful songs and revenge tweets. He spent his days looking for young lovers and live-streaming on Twitch with Ibai Llanos, his lifelong friend. “Don Gerard, the people are hungry!” “Give them the premier league.” A little Marquis del Grillo, a little Marie AntoinetteFed up and bored with the pitch, he left in the middle of the season when his long-time friend (or ex?) Xavi showed him that the road to the Camp Nou was over. Either hen or businessman.

Don Gerard, don't even think about it. Money is your way. Ruining what romance is left Your mission in sport. Less than twelve months have passed since your people's tribute parade, and although you have contributed even the slightest part to the victory in La Liga, you are already presenting a complete list of honors on your board. Supercopa del Rey, Davis Cup and King's League. Don't worry, Don Gerard didn't start playing tennis. At best he is a die-hard fashionista, enjoys playing padel and who knows, maybe he will destroy it too.

The “our” He has serious intentions of digging his hands into the sports world like a real shark and turning them inside out like a sock. A sock that will yield thousands upon thousands of euros (for him and his trusty Ibai) and nothing more. Scratches and scratches and you can't find anything. Soul, passion, support, interest, even teasing arguments that we like so much. “Brazil“, Dear friend, you should have written these lines and instead I have to tell you about this daddy's boy who, a bit like the Saudis, got bored of the little toys but instead of throwing them away, he destroyed them to the core. For what purpose, you ask me? “The money” Ladies and gentlemen, or in any case the popularity that “Fame”. At least until Pelota it will explode.

Small summary of the previous episodes of Don Piqué, who we dream speaks in the Castilian-Roman dialect and who screams during a broadcast “Yo so yoy y vosotros nun sois a dick”. For example, we start with second level goals the Spanish Supercopa. Small cup played in August during the pre-season. Of course, victory counts, and every now and then you face Los Blancos from Real Madrid. So why not give it your all in front of 96,000 spectators at the Nou Camp? But ever since you founded Kosmos and partnered with Japanese Rakuten (Barça sponsor), a strange idea has been floating around in your head.

“The Supercopa sucks, nobody is queuing. Not even if we play it in Tangier. What if we went to Jeddah? What if we organized a mini-tournament for four players? In any case, we have few games in the season calendar, we can afford ninety more minutes in the desert in January. I'll talk to the boys about it straight away.. Gerard, we got into your head, maybe you used a more appropriate or parasitic vocabulary, but I have to tell you that we really like to think about you this way. A league with 20 teams, then there is the Copa del Rey, the Champions League and so far so good.

A game is usually played in October classic of the European qualifiers, a beautiful game of Red Furie against North Macedonia that you cannot miss. The national team is close to my heart, I'm not some Verratti. What do we have then? Oh yes, I forgot about the November holidays when you can't stay at home and laze around. A nice flight to Gabon and a historic friendly match await us. With all that mixed fried food that can't even compete with Valencian paellaWhy not include the new Supercup format, plus the additional luxury backdrop of bored, white-clad sheiks, Patek Philippe on their wrists and shiny iPhones, who don't care about football but can't get by without money!?

Six a genius! And to think it wasn't even the first time he'd jumped down your throat cabeza something similar.

Tell us about your flagship. How did you come up with that sent foul language to the devil for over a century, humiliating the Davis Cup? Look, it's an achievement for a few, worthy of a truly top player. But then you got everyone to agree. Against you, of course, but why do you care? The ITF immediately welcomed you with open arms and wallets! We old romantics, a little nostalgic and a little stubborn, must therefore thank those at the top of world tennis who rolled their eyes as they tore up a 25-year contract (you read that right) because of their financial goals have not been achieved.

There's still a long way to go from here before we can say the competition can return to the pre-2019 era, but who knows if that's a first step. In the meantime, to make you proud of your creation, we like to remember the definition of Mister Divism: Adriano Panattawho knows a lot about Davis. «The Piqué Cup? I don't watch it as long as this format remains in place.” How do you say? Our Adriano is a museum specimen, which then your Did Davis even see it and comment on it?

So take a look at Twitter, X or whatever it's called and read again the tweet by Stan Wawrinka, which you also responded to as a 15 year old responds to Facebook comments. Meaningful photo of empty stands and signs done at the right time what you question. The Swiss even won this trophy and seem to have understood how much people care about it. We have come to the point, dear Gerard, that the racket world is waiting more for the finals in November than for the final of this strange monster that resembles a traveling football World Cup and an exhibition of old glories.

“How dare you speak? You literally have this one of the pillars of tennis killed together with the ITF. Please at least keep it up.

Julien Benneteau (former tennis player) speaks to Gerard Piqué

Since we touched on the late Albertone, you could say “Dry us” a beautiful Zimbabwe-Italy from the golden age, with the Black Brothers unbeatable in doubles and our Gaudenzi and Furlan fighting back in singles. Kosmos has withdrawn, one more final in Malaga and then we'll see. Thank God Pique and his team seem to have left the pitch. In our nightmares, there was already a Wimbledon game coming up in Dubai, with artificial turf made by hundreds of underpaid Indians in the meanders of the Emirati metropolis, a Super Bowl-like pre-game show, and fake rain to make it all look that way let it be as if it were in the land of Albion. Goodbye tennis, you are old and worth throwing away. We have new games to play.

The name seems to bring to mind Arthur and the Round Table, and instead we are once again faced with a cheesy depiction in perfect Pique style. The Kings League, a 12-team 7v7 Spanish football championship made up of a handful of old stalwarts and the new VIPs so dear to millennials. The streamers and tiktokers. Too many swear words in one sentence, forgive us, but we couldn't help it. On the other hand, he couldn't miss the fun of us mere mortals after throwing mud at football and tennis. The old five-a-side football turned into live streaming with characters from Cinepanettone, impromptu commentators, Twitch and TikTok taking center stage, only Cassano and Adani are missing and the circus is really done.

Sergio Agüero and Iker Casillas on the pitch, the inevitable Ibai master of ceremonies and Sor Gerard, who coordinates everything. To be honest, the final, played at the usual Blaugrana stadium, was a popular success, but It felt like we were in a large North American factory and not in one of the temples of European football. Out with the champions, in with the influencers. Cell phones ready for the next live show, team names that seem to come from the Mariachi trilogy and a toast in honor of the death of the ball.

Will you ever be able to do this? to stopMr. Pique?

We missed her esports, The investments were redirected to Rogue, an organization dedicated to online sports, among which the famous League of Legends cannot be missed. Maybe it's because we are ancient, old pirates who swim against the tide, romantic mavericks who crusade against the xgoals, and the new devils who, from Infantino onwards,… Gotha (sic!) of football gives us every day, but really we cannot become passionate to all of this. We feel like extras in a B-movie dude “Rollerball”the humiliation of sport mixed with violence to the delight of bloodthirsty telefans.

This stubborn taste has not yet found its way into the magical world of Gerard Pique from Barcelona. For now it's enough for him to have fun massacre the sanctity of the sporting gesture, be it football or tennis. He smothers a century and more of history and myth with a few shovels of capricious innovation, while his young and ignorant followers, sleeping in front of a damn screen, move forward with likes in obsequious homage to the destroyer king of every discipline.